Thursday, June 18, 2009

You Gave Me The Kind of Feeling People Write Novels About

That was before. Now I’m trying to suppress that feeling. Coz it hurts. Whenever I see you, much more when you give me that sweet smile of yours that would melt the heart of any mortal. I thought it’s going to be you. And I was so sure. The one I’m waiting for after I promised to myself years before that the next one will be “The One”. Well, I guess God has other plans. But still, it doesn’t lessen the pain. Maybe I expected too much. I’ve let all my guards down. Coz after all the hurt I’ve been through, I expected for something beautiful in the end. A something beautiful with you. Didn’t I tell you before that you’ve already taken me?

Back then, I think of you in my every waking hour. Even in my sleep, in my dreams. Even when I don’t remember what the dream is all about, it’s enough that I know that you were in my reverie, to put a smile on my lips when I wake up. Thinking of you has become somewhat like breathing for me, an unconscious effort, an instinct. Your face, your voice, all about you just comes into me naturally. But now that you’re coming into mind less and less, will my breaths also become shallower, and shorter? When I no longer think of you, will I die?

I still want to see you every time. I still scan the crowd for that pretty face, hoping that you’ll glance my way, to catch your doe-eyes. So you’ll see me smile and know that I’m okay. But then again wishing that you won’t see me, lest you perceive the false strength and know that I’m just faking, because in reality, I’m breaking down inside.

Corny? Hahaha. Yes, I guess so. I have never imagined that I will also be capable of such cheesiness. However, what I felt for you was so true. I prayed to God that if it is in His will, may He please, please entrust you to me. I know life’s so short in this physical world. But in that so short a time, you’re the one I want to be with. The girl I want to grow old with. And if you’re going to make me wait a little longer, it won’t matter. After all, what is a few years of waiting compared to a lifetime we’re going to be together.

But the last words were spoken and I was left there trying to grasp what you've said to me. It took me some time before realizing the finality of it all. When at last it dawned on me, it was then that I cried. I was crushed. Can’t you take back what you’ve said, your words, like a gun that took me down?

Maybe it was already written. That we’ll just be friends. Or maybe eventually, it is going to be the two of us in the end. And all these that we’ve been through will just be a sweet memory we’ll reminisce and laugh about. Now, isn’t that going to be a delightful surprise? Who knows how will the future and our destinies unfold but our All-Knowing God. Our God who will always give us the bestest best.

I want you to know…I’m still hoping.